R.A.S.H (Rent.A.Super.Hero) (Society of Heroes with Indeterminate Talent Book 2) Read online

  R.A.S.H.

  Rent A Super Hero

  By Sebastian H. Alive

  Mailto:[email protected]

  Twitter: @sebastianhalive

  Published by Sebastian H. Alive

  License Notes

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  Copyright 2015 Sebastian H. Alive

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  Works by Sebastian H. Alive

  The Bible - The unofficial, official account that's not entirely true…

  The Holy Trinity (Trilogy)

  Jesus is my flatmate, I kid you not!

  Satan is my trailer buddy, I kid you not!

  The life and deaths of Theodore Platt

  The elite program

  Society of heroes with indeterminate talent

  R.A.S.H (Rent.A.Super.Hero)

  The weirdness of irrelevance trilogy (Trilogy)

  The darker I fall

  11:11

  Lords of the immoral land

  The sword of Krillia

  End of heroes

  The damned twins

  Four Gods

  Calloway

  Kings of sons

  The peculiarity of Arthur Wilsbury

  At the touch of a button (short story)

  Clanwilliam (released winter 2015)

  Chapter One

  R.A.S.H headquarters…

  Ring ring….ring ring….

  The sharp, shrill ring of the phone cut through the silence in the office making everyone jump and look at it, but no-one at the table made a move to answer the call.

  "There's a strange noise coming from that device on the table, agents!" snapped the General impatiently.

  Agent One looked up unconcerned, then swiveled in his plastic chair and stared out through the blinds of the third-floor office window, while Agent Two remained fixated on the pyramid he was constructing out of business cards.

  "Yes, yes, I think I've seen one of these things before," continued the General through gritted teeth. "It's an appliance used for communication between two people not within talking range."

  Agent Two paused and glanced up at the phone for a second before completing the pyramid with a satisfied grin on his face.

  "Strange things phones!" growled the General, drumming his fingers on the desk and glaring at both agents. "Sometimes they ring and normally they stop when someone picks up the receiver."

  "Probably a telemarketer," grumbled Agent One without looking around. "Let it go to voicemail."

  With each continuous ring the vein in the centre of the Generals forehead swelled until it looked like it was just about ready to burst.

  "That incoming call could be our very first client," pointed out the General stabbing his finger in the direction of the phone. "So if you useless festering pus bags of incompetence don’t want to be fired, then someone pick up the phone!"

  "At the risk of stating the obvious," said Agent One calmly. "We signed up for a job which we haven’t been paid for yet, so I'm on strike. No pay, no work, and last time I checked we're the only staff you have!"

  "Yeah, we're on unpaid time here," added Agent Two crossing his arms. "I want to re-negotiate my role within this organization."

  "I see, so we have dissent in the ranks. What a tragic coincidence of equal stupidity you both are. We're starting this business up remember, and to bring the money in we need clients and a missed call is missed money. Now pick up the phone, that's an order, agent!"

  With a heavy sigh Agent One reached across and picked up the receiver and said, "Hello?"

  With a groan the General flapped his arms in disgust and his eyes rolled in his head.

  "What?" asked Agent One, putting his hand over the phone speaker.

  "You need to make a positive first impression," hissed the General clenching and unclenching his fists. "People pick up on your attitude instantly. Be personal and try and display a professional atmosphere. That first interaction with the customer is key to whether they pay for our services. Remember a smile can be sensed in your voice."

  "Have you quite finished?"

  "Just get on with it." grumbled the General sinking his head into his hands.

  "Hi you're through to Agent One from R.A.S.H, how can I help you?" spoke the agent into the phone.

  He nodded his head a few times into the receiver then said, "No, you don’t have to give your real name if you don’t want to. I understand."

  "Sounds promising." whispered the General excitedly.

  "Is it localized to one part of the body?" asked Agent One with a frown.

  The excitement on the General's face faded and was replaced by a look of confusion.

  "Yes, sexual health clinics keep separate medical records and for your own peace of mind I suggest you get tested," commented Agent One twirling the curly cord between his fingers. "No, sorry, I can't transfer you."

  Cursing under his breath the General sank his head back into his hands.

  "Rash is the name of our company, yes," said the agent, before pausing and listening. "Yes, I also understand that's a stupid name for a company."

  The agent looked across to the General accusingly then said, "We specialize in superheroes for hire in and around the London region and have only just opened for business. No, no, that's fine. Thank you for your time anyway and I hope it clears up soon. Goodbye now!"

  Agent One gently placed the receiver back on the cradle and sniffed.

  "Excellent telephone manner by the way." commented Agent Two in appreciation.

  "I think we may need to change the company name," replied Agent One. "It's probably not appropriate for the line of work we're in."

  "A costly and disruptive process, so the name stays" said the General looking up.

  "When are we going to see some action?" cried Agent Two in exasperation. "We're field agents not receptionists. We need to be in the thick of the action tackling crime on the streets of London not stuck behind a desk taking calls."

  "We need two things, clients and some superheroes, and fortunately for you two useless parasitic individuals I've been looking for potential recruits. Now I have some superheroes coming to the office shortly and I want you both to interview the candidates and assess their suitability for joining R.A.S.H. Do you think you can do that, agents?"

  "That could be fun!" said Agent One nodding his head. "Sure, we can do that."

  "Oh, and one final thing," added the General getting up from the desk. "Next time try to answer the phone within three rings."

  "Yes, sir." the agents said in unison.

  Chapter Two

  The Black Widow

  A prolonged awkward silence fell on the interview room as both agents stared at the beautiful dark-skinned woman sat across from them clad head-to-toe in black leather.

  “We should talk to her.” whispered Agent One with his eyes glued on the woman who looked back a little uncomfortably.

  Agent Two remained slack-jawed with his head tilted to the side and his mouth hung open as he gazed at her dre
amily.

  “This staring feels creepy.” said Agent One smiling through gritted teeth.

  “My god, you're so beautiful,” whispered Agent Two in a low voice. “So amazingly hot!”

  Suddenly he grunted in pain as Agent One nudged him in the ribs with his elbow and looked at him sternly.

  “Maybe we should be professional about this, huh?”

  “You’re right,” replied Agent Two snapping out of his trance then clearing his throat. “So…uhm…do you usually wear leather?”

  “I like the feel of leather against my skin and always wear my clothes very tight.” purred the woman flicking her long, thick black hair over her shoulder.

  “That's an automatic tick, right?” he blurted looking across to Agent One who nodded his head quickly. “Excellent, you’re offered the job. Congratulations! All of your hard work has paid off so when can you start?”

  “But you haven’t asked me any other questions yet?” queried the woman with her perfectly-manicured eyebrows slightly raised.

  “Yes, yes of course,” muttered Agent Two raising his clipboard and staring at her with his pen poised over the paper. “We should probably cover the whole leather clothing thing a little more in depth at a later time. Can you state your superhero identity?”

  “I’m called Black Widow but my civilian name is Susan.” she answered huskily.

  “We’ll cross that out and put, Super Susan,” said Agent Two throwing her a wink then scribbling something down on the clipboard. “For the purposes of this interview panel can you describe your superhero powers? For instance, do you emit deadly neurotoxic venom of some sort that could immobilize a criminal?”

  “No, I don’t have any venom.” replied Susan frowning.

  “What about webs? Can you make a silk from your body that you could spin into a web to capture fleeing criminals?”

  “No, I can’t build webs either!”

  “I’m guessing you can’t swing from building to building too?” asked Agent Two scratching his head thoughtfully. “So on the same token no web cartridges or utility belt?”

  Susan shook her head and smiled apologetically.

  “Have you been bitten by a radioactive spider recently on a school field trip?” asked Agent One interrupting.

  “Excellent question, agent.” remarked Agent Two, nodding his head in approval.

  "I’m 27." she answered.

  "That really was an awful question, agent." remarked Agent Two shaking his head in disapproval.

  "Can you mutate into a leather wearing spider?" asked Agent One hopefully.

  "No."

  "Do you have superhuman reflexes or agility? I'm running out of spider-related things."

  "I can bend my legs behind my head." said Susan matter-of-factly.

  The two agents closed their mouths with an audible click and sat staring across at her for a very, very, very long time.

  "Did I say something wrong?" she asked sweetly.

  "No, no not at all," replied Agent Two. "Flexibility is an important trait of a real superhero. Still…we would like to understand what sort of abilities you would be bringing to the team to be successful in this position."

  "Any position is acceptable for me, I just want this opportunity," pleaded Susan. "I can enjoy any position either of you put me in. Nothing is off limits."

  Agent Two quickly mopped his forehead with a handkerchief.

  "You're hired!" he said in a high pitched voice.

  "Yes!" she cried clapping her hands together in delight.

  "Can I just ask you one question, Susan?" asked Agent One looking perplexed. "You don’t appear to have any superhero powers as far as we can tell. This position that R.A.S.H is recruiting for is for an actual superhero. You don’t climb walls, shoot webs, inject venom or mutate into a spider, right?"

  "Let's not underestimate the whole bending her legs behind her head thing, agent. It's not a common ability." interrupted Agent Two.

  "Granted, it's impressive and an incredible turn-on, but we're interviewing for a superhero and not someone who is super athletic."

  "I can spread them with ease." she insisted.

  The two agents closed their mouths with an audible click and sat staring across at her for a very, very, very long time.

  "Susan has a point." muttered Agent Two stroking his chin.

  "I see your point Susan, but it's not very superhero like is it? Can you tell me why you are called Black Widow?"

  "Because I'm black African and everyone I marry dies horribly."

  "Lovely," said Agent One with his smile vanishing instantly. "That will be all for now. If you can see yourself out that would be great, and we'll be in contact. I best not stand on this occasion."

  Susan stood up from the chair and looked at both agents sadly.

  "Well, I guess I'll be going then?" she said.

  "Wait, does that mean that you're single?" asked Agent Two.

  "Everyone she marries dies horribly." whispered Agent One behind his cupped hand.

  "But she's so hot!" he protested.

  Chapter Three

  Man-with-bat

  “Holy crap! That dudes huge!” whispered Agent Two, gazing in awe at the man sat across from them.

  “He looks like he wants to kill me.” replied Agent One, smiling through gritted teeth at the huge 6-foot-7 bald giant with the massive layered slabs of hard muscle rippling across his body like he was carved from granite.

  Clearing his throat Agent One averted his eyes from the man’s veins bulging on his forearms and looked into his dark, angry eyes then looked away quickly.

  “I don’t know where to look,” he whispered. “He radiates mean and angry.”

  “Just get the conversation flowing and ease the tension.” hissed Agent Two.

  “So…uhm…what is your name?” asked the agent looking up.

  “Julie.” growled the man narrowing his eyes menacingly.

  “Julie? Isn’t Julie predominantly a…girl's name?”

  The man planted a beefy fist on the table top and fixed the agent with a long, piercing stare.

  “Let’s agree it’s a gender-neutral name.” said Agent Two swiftly interrupting.

  Silence descended on the room for a few moments as Julie glared at the agents who looked everywhere but back at him.

  “Do you have a problem with my unisex name?” asked the muscular bald man in a cold voice.

  “No…no, we don’t do we, Agent One? Tell him. It’s very masculine isn’t it?”

  “It’s very pretty,” muttered Agent Two. “Listen, we’re all grown men here, so I feel we can speak openly without any unnecessary violence, but my point is this, historically Julie has been a girl’s name, right?”

  “Just where are you going with this, agent?” asked Agent One, trying desperately to hold a smile on his face.

  “Just hear me out. I would argue there’s a gender divide you don’t cross. Some girl's names have crossover potential but let’s face facts; Julie just isn’t one of them and never will be. Isn’t the male version of Julie, Julius? Can’t we call you that, Julius?”

  A vein in Julie’s forehead began pulsing in anger as he gave a long, hostile look at Agent Two who squirmed a little in his chair.

  “You’re on your own on this one.” whispered Agent One shuffling his chair apart from his colleague.

  “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!” hissed Julie.

  “Are you going to burst into an uncontrollable, Hulk-esque fury?” asked Agent Two nervously.

  “That depends if you make fun out of my name again.”

  “Okay, let’s drop the whole name thing and move on. Can I just say Julie, and I’m sure I have the full support of my colleague on this, that just from initial observations we are a little concerned about your temperament.”

  “What are you talking about?” roared Julie with his eyes blazing.

  “Well, you seem to have anger-management issues. Tell me, do you suffer from
roid rage? What I’m getting at, if we selected you at random, would you happen to fail a company drug test?” asked Agent Two.

  “Do we have a drug testing program?” queried Agent One frowning.

  “For the purposes of this interview we have.” answered Agent Two.

  “Are you suggesting that I’m somehow involved in illicit steroid use to promote extreme muscular growth, which hypothetically could have given me 3 mild heart-attacks in the last 2 years as well as liver damage and bouts of insomnia as well as shrinking my testicles to the size of baked beans?” snapped Julie.

  “No, no, not at all. You look completely natural all bulging and veiny with your whole permanent muscle-pump look. May I also add, it’s perfectly normal for someone to have definition in their earlobes.”

  Julie closed his eyes and sucked in a deep calming breath and said, “I have so much hatred and anger for you right now and I’m thinking really bad thoughts.”

  “Let’s just calm things down a touch, Julie.”

  “I can’t help it,” responded Julie. “I can feel the rage building and it’s pushing its way to the surface.”

  Suddenly his massive ham-like hands shot out and grabbed Agent Two around the neck from across the table and hauled him forward until their noses were virtually touching.

  “I’ll have you know I’m on my own personal nutrition program and my protein supplementation is by means of my ‘special’ milk shake. Do you understand?”

  Agent Two squawked and gurgled something unintelligible.

  “May I ask a question?” asked Agent One. “Is the milk shake flavoring natural or artificial?”

  “All natural power ingredients.” grunted Julie, letting go of the agent who sank back into his chair with a yelp.

  “Let’s skip the whole name and body-building thing,” said Agent One pleasantly. “I’ll ask some questions while my colleague contemplates whether he needs a Tracheotomy. Okay, so what’s the bat for?”

  Julie looked down at his side at the baseball bat resting against his chair and patted it affectionately.